You a are a person that embodies my search for life. I grab hold of my tea. It’s dark, the lamp is lit and I write this letter to you. As if you were there. As if any of this is of essence. Maybe it is. Maybe you care. So I write this. You are sincerely fictitious. You don’t exist and there is not an individual I imagine behind yourself. You can not exist. I hope you do. Your fixed person is just another aspect of my character. Something I am at times, but mostly just aspire to be.
You walked away as if nothing else mattered just the fact that you won’t be there. When we get so accustomed to that which is present we forget that maybe this present is not what we should aim for. What I aim for in my life is to become so innocent that what other people think about me would not matter and that I’d freely be able to express whatever is on my mind. So let me express my honesty. I think these things about you. But you managed to walk away. And you somehow forgot how you expressed your love for me. But it’s ok. Can I forget? I’d like that. I think. I don’t remember if I forget.
You become a prominent part of an individual’s life. This individual is poisoned by the fact that he can’t think too highly of you. He doesn’t want to poison you with pride. He’s scared you’ll lose the last hope of innocence in you. Or at least what I deem as innocence — the inability to think of what others think of you.
Certain people attract my attention. That is why I am maybe more accustomed to appreciating them. Those who think too much of themselves are not worth anyone’s attention. And you know this. That’s why you’ve never been with them. They’re attention doesn’t grab yours. Those are the ones I enjoy. I would like to hold these closest to me. I know deep down that in this difficult world, these are the ones that will hold my sanity together.
My dream as a ridiculous man, the man Dostoevsky defines, is that I would find meaning in this life because of people. These people embody everything and you embody this search for everything — for life.
I don’t know what it is. Maybe I think too much of this friendship, I possibly do. But you say things as if they were never to return. They are out there and we need to deal with them. You conquer with your eyes, whatever you see you instantly seize with humility, not pride. It’s like an accident to you. Maybe it’s because you don’t know you are capable of it — that you keep doing it.
People don’t fall in love with you. What is love? I can’t think of anything when I say it. I can think of friendship and then there’s a lot of things that people tend to call love but interchange with desire. Your honesty is my desire.
I need to acquire wisdom by being with people that are honest as you. And rare do I find such honesty. It is as if I am with a child, emotions expressed prematurely. With no regard to context and setting.
In my attempts to counter your beliefs about religion I tend to feel guilty. Your Lord, if he is gracious enough, would grant me to persuade you to my absence of belief. You would be free of his honesty in your life. And your absence of listening to his prayers for you. You are not the person he wants you to be and you never will. Jesus could not have died for you. He’s too pre-occupied with trying to breathe, attempting to think, thinking he can speak — hopelessly gazing at his sheep. “Why can’t they hear me?” Well, he forgot he doesn’t exist. Others created him and boosted his ego. He never could exist, really.
My search is this. This one thing. And that thing is this dream of never-ending continuous emotion. What gets in the way for me is tiredness, loneliness, and sadness. I become weak by these things. Yet my honesty is for me repulsive. Your honesty seems more childlike and freeing. Can you share that?
I would want to say that your breathless God loves you. I would want to say that there is hope for belief. And I have truly made the effort for it. As God knows. And so the search represents an absence of God and an absence of you. You are the dreams and the ambition. I hope you exist. Because if I find everything, I may not find you.
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